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 Post subject: A Couple Of Car-Related Jokes...
PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:02 pm
Posts: 1567
Location: Mount Barker, Touge Country
Car(s): Many Many Many Geminis
Found these on, lots more hilarious stuff there.

Mechanic Joke:

A Gynecolgist decides that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received -- 200%.

So, he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.

My Autocross Routine:

Get in the car.
Strap myself in (5 point harness).
Realize the keys to the car are in my front pants pocket.
Get out of the car and get the keys out of my pocket.
Get in the car.
Strap myself in.
Put the keys in the ignition.
Notice my helmet sitting on the passenger floor.
Put the helmet on the passenger seat.
Strap myself in.
Notice the driver's door is still open.
Wonder why the guy next to me on grid thinks this is so funny.
Close the driver's door on the lap belt.
Try to strap back in.
Open the door to free up the lap belt.
Strap myself in.
Notice the driver's door is still open.
Start getting irritated at guy next to me on grid who is cackling like a chicken.
Put helmet on head, scraping glasses down nose and onto the floor.
Take helmet off.
Pickup glasses.
Strap myself in.
Notice my helmet sitting on the passenger floor.
Decide the guy next to me on grid is having a coronary by the way he's twitching and jerking.
Put the helmet on my head.
Try to strap myself in but I can't see the latch because of the helmet.
Take helmet off, carefully putting it on the passenger seat.
Strap myself in.
Starting to hope the coronary the guy is going through finishes soon.
Put helmet on.
Notice glasses on passenger side of dash.
Put glasses on.
Strap myself in.
The guy next to me must be dead 'cuz I can't see him sitting up in the car anymore.

Signs That You May Be A Racer:

You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

You've been known to yell "It means check your mirrors retard!" at your television.

You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One".

You know the quarter mile times for your riding mower.

You've embarrassed your spouse at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.

You know the "racing line" for every turn on your daily commute, including all your alternate routes, and practice hitting them everyday.

No tire dealer in town will honor their tread wear warranty on any car that you've been seen near.

You quote your street tire life in weeks rather than miles.

You regularly live-test your rev-limiter on that straight that's a little too long for second but not worth going into third...

Even if you don't have ABS, you never lock your brakes unless you "really wanted to do that".

You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute, as well as your weekend hobby.

You've slalomed in a construction zone and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars (seats).

You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.

You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to "racing depth".

When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.

You change engine oil every other week.

You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.

You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.

Your racing budget is one of the big three - mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.

Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

You walk "proper lines" through the grocery store.

You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.

You bought a race car before buying a house.

You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!

You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):

8-car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
A grease pit.
Conveniently close to a hazardous waste disposal site.
Deaf neighbors.
Across the street from a paint and body shop.
Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere or hookups for the motorhome.

You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of tires.

You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop. (I'm Guilty of this :oops: )

You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."

Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.

You have enough spare parts to build another car.

More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

You have car parts in your cubicle at work.

If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.

Your Christmas list begins with "another set of Toyo RA1's" and aluminum rods (and
your 'significant other' knows what these are).

After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"

You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.

Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.

People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.

People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you're the one stuck in the mud at ButtonBog last weekend!"

Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.

Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.

Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.

Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".

You plan your wedding around the race schedule.

You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.

Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.

A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.

You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school. (Who doesn't :twisted: )

You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.

You always do a toe & heel downshift while your passenger gives you a real funny look.

You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.

You can't stand understeer.

You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.

You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.

You hate long distance drives to visit relatives or to go on vacation, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.

You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.

You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her van.

You save broken car parts as "mementos".

Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly.

You've found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't care for alcohol).

The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust system.

You spend more time polishing your exhaust tips every day than you do bathing.

Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have qualifying times.

You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.

You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.

White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.

You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter."

Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.

When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "Prepared to Win."

When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".

You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.

You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.

You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.

After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"

Performance/Rare Parts FS!: viewtopic.php?f=9&t=3449&p=24785#p24785

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 Post subject: Re: A Couple Of Car-Related Jokes...
PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:55 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:54 pm
Posts: 657
Location: Adelaide Hills
Car(s): ZZ/Z sedan, TD SL/E coupe.
Man, your fingers must be bleeding! Funny though......


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 Post subject: Re: A Couple Of Car-Related Jokes...
PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 7:27 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:35 pm
Posts: 791
Car(s): IPRA G180 TX coupe, TURBO TX COUPE
Mmm I think I am guilty of more of these than I care to admit :P :P :P


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 Post subject: Re: A Couple Of Car-Related Jokes...
PostPosted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 8:38 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:02 pm
Posts: 1567
Location: Mount Barker, Touge Country
Car(s): Many Many Many Geminis
Oh yeah?... do tell...
The Autocross one had me in tears the first time I read it, couldn't stop laughing :lol:

And I definately typed all of that myself... completely... without copying... at all...
Nah I'm a lazy bastard, but theres a lot of other funny stuff on that site as well

Heres a couple of racer ones that I came up with myself:

You know you're a racer if:

When you say "Hold on", your passengers f***ing hold on!

Your race car budget is more than all your living expenses combined

You race launch from every set of traffic lights, regardless of the boys in blue

While at a practice session, you have been quoted saying "She'll be right for one more lap" only to break down in a spectacular fashion

You drive an extra 50kms on your daily commute just because you'd be driving through a road that was "More challenging to you abilities"

Lap times are your meaning in life

A cruise stops being a cruise when you show up

You wish hairpins were even sharper than they already are

You can officially say that you have replaced every component of you car at least once

Performance/Rare Parts FS!: viewtopic.php?f=9&t=3449&p=24785#p24785

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 Post subject: Re: A Couple Of Car-Related Jokes...
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:54 pm 

Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2010 2:33 am
Posts: 366
Location: Adelaide, Gulfview Heights
Car(s): 1982 TF/TG SL (Daily Project)
I've got a few that I'm guilty of.

You know you're a race car driver if ...

Your response to every arguement is 'Drag Me'.

You buy parts that are completely un-necesary for your car and blow your weekly budget.

Everytime you're asked the HP/KW of your car, You bump it up a bit.

You put your Left Foot in, You put your Right Foot in, You take your Left Foot out and you Slide it all about.

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